How to deal with compromise as your true self? - A collection of quotes

“The compromise is the thorn in the side, the constant button pushing place. And you see the moment in which you can see that is the moment that you can be free of its pain. Even after all, there is no need for us to suffer.”

| Source - A life story

“you know, a real compromise in their design is the blame game, your fault, my fault, your fault, my fault, your fault, my fault, until, you know, that's an ongoing, painful process.”

| Source - Sexual signatures

“If there is no split, we go to the compromise, because that's going to be the place where the relationship is going to display its problems. By the way. It doesn't mean that's the place where the problem has to originate. But it does mean that the problems in the relationship are always going to come out in the level of discomfort of a compromise.”

| Source - Relationships course

It’s about control, authority, limitations, resentment and sometimes wisdom

“We've seen that the electromagnetic is what begins relationships. What ends relationships, what poisons relationships, what distorts all relationships, is what we call compromise. And compromise is the most difficult thing that you meet in this life. Compromise and compromise alone is what brings all relationships to the point of collapse. That is that is what they're there for. What they're there for, is to generate resentment. And this is what they do.

Everybody who's ever been in a relationship knows that no matter how good your relationship, there are certain things that you just can't tolerate. There are certain things that you just chew on and chew on and chew on. And there are certain things that you just resent. This is the nature of compromise. Compromise is the most difficult aspect.

When I have couples and they come to me and I do their reading and I look at their charts, I go immediately to the compromise. Because when I get to that compromise, I see where all the problems are in that relationship. And the moment you know, this is part of the beauty of our work in human design is that the moment that you understand the mechanics of compromise, if you can understand with that awareness, you can resent a little less with that awareness you can get by with compromise in your life and one of the things that you will see that is very important is that wherever compromise exists from one partner to another, hopefully you get them back with a compromise that goes your way to them. As you will see the balancing of compromise is one of the few things that will allow compromise itself to be acceptable. And if there is no balancing of this compromise, it leads to all kinds of difficulties.”

“You see, when you meet in an electromagnetic connection, it is fundamentally democratic. There is no true authority, you both have your own capacity, you both have your own integrity, you both have your respect for what you are at your end, and you meet each other on even ground. But the moment that you've come to compromise, you no longer have even ground.

What is undefined in us is our pathway to wisdom, or it's our pathways problems depending on how we deal with that. The moment that you come into a relationship and that you have to deal with compromise, you have to deal with your partner having authority over you. And this is why the relationship can deteriorate. And this is where the poison comes from. Because we do not want to accept authority in our partners and in our lovers. There's a part of us that says “Why should I accept the authority when we are equals?”. But that is only the way the electromagnetics speaks.

This situation here in the feelings one partner has the authority to feel that's their authority. That's their power. It's not their fault. And it's not their fault that you only have half the channel. It's not like they're to blame for that. It's not like they're saying to you “You, suffer now!”. As I said, they're not really aware of it at that level. It is their channel but it is their authority. And you see if you challenge that authority, it fails.

And that's what everybody tries to do. You try to challenge authority that you have no right to to challenge them because you don't have the equipment. You don't have the other end all you can learn a great deal about what that authority is. But it's one of those things to understand about the nature of relationships is that the real problem in relationship is when an authority raises its head, and one partner has power over the other. This is when the relationship is in danger. This is when compromise becomes a negative. But you know, if you have no choice and who you meet, and you have compromised in your life, if you do not accept that authority, you learn nothing and suffered greatly. Because there is nothing you can do about it. That authority is legitimate from the point of view, that person brings the whole channel whether they're nice or not, whatever the case may be, and wherever that channel may be. And so the whole question of compromise is authority and the moment that I'm working with couples and I come to that place that's the place where they really get tight.”

“There's all kinds of resentment that is built into compromise all kinds of it, because it carries with it this quality of control.”

“When you're dealing with compromise, you're dealing with somebody that has control over you. And there's nothing you can do about it. And the more you fight it, the more destructive than he is to you. Because it creates all the poisons that resentment creates. Again, one of the most important things about mechanics is to see clearly where compromise is in your process with others. Because the moment that you look at that, you can see why and where you have authority problems with them, or they have authority problems with you.

And remember, it's not authority and control that is motivated. It's not like these people are saying “I'm going to control the feeling”. They don't, they are the feeling coming out. It's the other person that only has part of it that says “Why are you controlling me?” They're not controlling you. They're living out their channel. And only when you can accept that, can you begin to start going through the process of looking at them and saying, “Why do I have to see things this way? And this way, only with this person?” because that's the beginning of the work.

“Why do I have to be limited in the way that I do this or that or that?” Because absolutely everything that you meet in this life, it's for your complete wisdom. Everything that you take in that's not you is your potential to enlarge and expand your wisdom. Most people never get past the resentment of compromise. They can't, they feel like somebody is choking them. And no matter how good it relationship is, you come to this point. And you see this is where all the blood is. You know, these are people on the surface smile at you and say “Yes, everything's fine in the relationship”. You know, what, if you just scratch underneath the surface is that “I’d love to kill this one”. But because I could never do this [killing them], I have to do *this* [living with the choking] all the time.

In the nature of compromise, if you do not accept that authority, you have nothing to learn. And you will only feel the pain of it. And the moment that you accept that authority, is the moment you will discover whether you should leave the relationship or not. Because that's the truth.

The truth is that when you surrender to that authority, either that authority is a value to you, and you recognize it, or then you can get out, because it *will* end, remember, compromise ends relationships. It is the only thing in design that does that, compromises are there for that purpose. *If* you can't see clearly the value that is there for you. And remember, most of the compromise you meet in your life is valueless to you. That is most of the compromise that you meet is casual. But when you're dealing with a relationship with somebody who's gonna be in your aura a lot, then it becomes something very important. You cannot fight it.

If you fight it, you stay in the relationship and suffer and whine and kick and scream. Trying to get your way in, of course, your partner begins to resent you resenting them for just being themselves. And you end up with all the level that eventually ends up with a very sick relationship with the moment that you can accept in the mechanics, okay, this person has authority over me here. And there's nothing I can do.”

“Somebody who's very defined somebody who is very defined as open to much more resentment that is being resented because they bring so much definition. So they end up having a lot of compromises with other people in which they're controlling the channels and other people are resenting them.”

| Source - Partnership & HD

The acceptance of what is

“You look at their design and you see what's there and that's what's there. And it‘s one of the most beautiful things about this, because it's a way in which we completely can respect another human being without putting any of our stuff on it. You are what you are. This is who you are.

And of course, when you're dealing with this at the level of this kind of cognitive potential, this acceptance, this is really what it's all about. It is the acceptance of what is. It is the acceptance that there are things you can do nothing about. It‘s what I love when I do partnership analysis, the channel of compromise. Compromise is one of the great bitches of all time. One person has half the channel; the other person has the whole channel. The person that only has one gate are always going to compromise to the person that has the whole channel. There is no way that you can ever change that. There is nothing you can do about it. Not only that, even when you know what it is, it‘s still terrible. You can never do anything about it.

And you see, the most incredible thing about that is if you can accept at that level, boy have you made a step, because this is what it's all about. Relationships are the most complex things in the world. It‘s my standing joke. My partner has the 17/62. I have the 62. It‘s the channel of an organizational being, the logical mind, the whole thing. She has her own opinions and she has her own facts. All I‘ve got is facts. I don‘t have any opinions. Now, I‘ve known this woman 27 years and I have never ever, ever won an argument. It's not even possible to even think about win- ning an argument. As a matter of fact, within the context of our compromise I've always been an idiot, a lifetime of being an idiot. There‘s nothing you can do about it.

It's not like I could win any of those arguments, because you can‘t because it‘s just the channel. It‘s not like there's something you can break and fix and pull apart and yank and repair. You can‘t do anything. You look at it and go, all right, because in the end it‘s just a weighing thing. You say okay, you have this and you have this, and there‘s more of this than this, all right. And then you let the other human being be what they are because there‘s nothing worse than having somebody that you're connected to in this life saying that you should really change that. Yeah, sure, right, I‘m going to do that for you. Let me have a heart transplant for you.

This is the whole thing about understanding what real acceptance is, that when you get to this level it‘s about recognizing that we have to respect each other, because there is no hierarchy in awareness. There‘s none. There‘s just unique intelligence. There‘s no hierarchy in that. There‘s nobody better than anybody else, or less, or this or that. There‘s nobody that has something more important to share than somebody else, because it doesn't. It may seem that I have a lot that I can share. But each and every one of you have the same thing in a different dimension, in a different thing, whatever that thing happens to be.

And unless that comes out we don't all gain the advantage of it. What you gain as an advantage from me is an advantage I can gain from each and every one of you because this is the way it‘s supposed to be. And it begins with that acceptance. It begins with a simple understanding that we are a fixed mechanism, at least in the way in which we‘re constructed. So, let's let that work the way it's supposed to work, instead of constantly trying to interfere with it and make it something else.”

| Source - Radical transformations

Lines change the way we experience compromises

“Think about a compromise. Right? Now imagine that the person that has the whole channel, it's got the 5 [th line] at one end, and it's got the 3 [rd line] at the other. And imagine you come into that. And you've got the end, where he had, that person has the 5 and you have the 3. In other words, you have the 3 to match your partner's 3 at the other end. But you have dissonance to their 5 that's making up their definition. You don't feel it like a compromise anymore. You feel it like an electromagnetic, even though it still is a compromise.

In other words, the way in which you're going to resonate or harmonise in those channels that are important in the relationship are going to tell you a lot. And when you have an electromagnetic with somebody, and it's dissonant, in other words, that you don't have either resonance or harmony in the lines that are meeting, it's going to make it much more volatile how that love-hate works, because it's not fluid.

So for example, your partner on a given transit or meeting somebody, you know, they're going to react out of one end of that channel rather than the other. resonance in harmony changes so much, and it gives you the deep that's why this is a, you know, a finishing view of how you look at relationships, that this is a way in which you can see that when you do pinpoint those channels where the dominance is where this is where that is that then you can see in the subtlety, how it really works.

The moment that you have a compromise in which you have dissonance in the compromise, then you know right away that this is going to be a difficult pill to swallow. Because there's no way of really being able to grasp it. So the subtleties are going to be very important the same thing with the electromagnetic.

In other words, just because it's an electromagnetic doesn't mean that it operates, the way it could, the stages that it operates at levels, that it operates that if you have resonance with your partner, in that electromagnetic connection, obviously, you've got smooth sailing in that, it doesn't mean you're not going to have the hate. It just means that you're going to want to look at each other side, because we always do. But it's not going to be difficult in that sense to deal with that side of your relationship, when it comes out. You're going to have the resonance, it's going to be a flow through that.

If you have harmony, you're simply going to have to find the harmony. I mean, after all, if you have two singers and they begin to sing, they have to look for the harmony. You know, it's not just suddenly there. I mean, harmony is quite a study, you know, you have to look for the harmony. But then again, it's possible to find your way through that. But the dissonance is going to make that difficult. And the only thing that helps in that kind of situation is that if you've entered into your relationship correctly, you know that even if it's painful for you to compromise, or it's painful for you to see the other compromise, don't forget that as well.”

“You know what you can put your finger on it and say, Look, this is where you're really going to have problems. And it's not about being fooled just because you see a configuration that on the surface can be positive. If you don't see what's going on at the line level, you don't get it. The other thing is, imagine what it's like that you've got a compromise. But that compromise is neither a resonance or a harmony to either of the couple's profile doesn't mean anything to them.

You know, you sit down with them in the reading, and you say, “you know, you've got this area here, that's very difficult for the two of you, and you got a problem”, and they look at you like you're nuts. Because they don't pay any attention to it. You know, because it doesn't vibrate to what their purpose is. And they can totally ignore it. Oh, yes, they'll discover, as you pointed out, that that's actually there in their relationship. But you see the way they're profiled, and because it doesn't have any hook into the profile, they don't pay any attention to it.

On the other hand, if you have a compromise with your partner, and you know that compromises align in your profile, then you're really going to feel it, you're going to feel like your purpose is being distorted, you know, you're going to feel that pain much more deeply, because you're going to resonate to that discovered or harmonised to that discomfort. You see, at this level, when you bring in profiling and you bring in line resonance in harmony, you finally get to the point where you get to see the outer shell.”

| Source - Relationships course

[those last ones were snatched from Laura da Represa via Philip Redd, I do not have sources]

Compromise that puts us in detriment

“Question: I'm going to revisit my question from yesterday about the fact that someone has a difficult aspect with their partner where it's a very difficult compromise of some sort, and puts them into a detriment. I've been thinking about it a lot because I have a lot of these in my life. In the I'Ching it's saying that this is written for the not-self. How do you frame those detriments when you're living from you true identity?

Ra: My comment was that in the context of how the Rave I'Ching came out, obviously, so much of it is about the way in which the not-self would perceive aspects of the line, or the way in which the not-self experiences aspects of the line. Though it wasn't consciously written in that way because it wasn't consciously written, it was just something that happened to me.

But in terms of your question about the compromise that brings out the detriment, that is very difficult. Again, I go back to what I mentioned on my first day of my appreciation of the concept of the petty tyrant. I think this is an essential ingredient. And I think that for each of us in the potential of our destiny, our karma, or whatever it may be to awaken, there are elements that are there to—you don't get a free ride when you wake up. You don't suddenly avoid the things that mechanically are difficulties that we meet in life. The relationship you have in which there is a difficult compromise, where there is a detriment that is pulled out, the fact of the matter is that if you're operating correctly as yourself, that does not have to be the theme that defines the relationship.

It doesn't mean, by the way, that that theme won't be there. But I have a thing about compromises: I just don't go there, because if I go there it leads to so many problems. I have a lot of 40/37s in my life and I'm a 40. Every time I'm with a 40/37 and there is a bargain, I am compromised. There is really very little I can do about it. There's nothing you can do about it. It is the mechanics of it. I've learned that this is an area where I can end up in a situation where I get very, very annoyed. This is what compromises do.

But the fact of the matter is that I have not abandoned my 40/37 relationships at all. The fact is that I've just learned not to attach myself to that zone. If I attach myself to it then it becomes something that is difficult and that difficultness is always an easy way to get to a point where you're annoyed and you don't want to deal with it anymore and the hell with it and so forth and so on.

For me these things are a test. It was my joke when my youngest son was in his terrible twos. It was my joke that if anybody wanted to check and see if they were actually awake, I would leave them for a couple of hours with my son because he's a 3/60, 39/55 so he can really generate quite a wave. The fact is that's what it's like. The awake world is the world mostly of the not-self. The awake world is a mechanical world. The maia is mechanics. And those mechanics are there and there is nothing you can do about it. Most of the people I most love and deeply care about in this life, I have compromises with. They have compromises with me. I meet it a lot. And I have learned to see that this is not a negative.

Again, this is a question of surrender. Surrender drops its moralities—this is good, this is bad. You don't really know. The fact of the matter is I have no business trying to dominate in a place where I'm caught in a compromise. It's not my place to try turn that into an electromagnetic when it's compromise. I can't do anything about that. It is precisely what it is. But if you're accepting and there is choicelessness in our geometry, our fractals, then what to do?

The fact is that you just don't attach yourself personally to the compromise. That's not the kind of comment I would make to a client because, quite frankly, it's a difficult thing to grasp. The fact is you have to be very secure and very deep within your own process to begin to be sensitized to what these things are and learning that in your relationship with this person, the protocol says “don't go there and everything will be ok.” And if you don't go there, everything will be ok. It's their channel anyway.”

Compromise and a Bargaining Tool

Question: Ra, in terms of compromise you said that you treat it just like dominance, but isn't there a little bit of a bargaining tool that you can have there. It can be, ok fine, we'll do it your way but I want to sit in the backseat or something.

Ra: Well, but you're not really saying anything different than what I'm saying. In other words, the moment you're not personally attached to being the channel, that's the moment you can step back. Now, you can do it a number of ways. But I don’t think that you're going to be able to successfully try to manipulate your way around it in which you're going to feel like you're not compromising. The fact is that it's there and there is no way around it. I just accept it for what it is and do the best I can. When I'm at my most aware, I never go there at all.

Question: No, that's not what I mean. For example, let's just say compromise with the 8/1. Two people have the 8th gate and one person has the whole channel. Wouldn't the person with the 8th gate who is compromised be able to say, “We're going to do it your way creatively, we're going to take your creative direction, but my contribution is going to be...” and then you have a little say in what your contribution is going to be? As opposed to say dominance which is just like, it's your creative way and that's the way it is.

Ra: Yes, all of that is fine. But the fact of the matter is that after you go through all of that pitch where you say yes, yes we'll do it your way, but I would like to be able—they're just going to do it their way. They don't have any other way to be. It isn't that they won't listen to you or even think, ok, maybe that. But the fact of the matter is they're just going to do it their way. They just will. That's the thing that makes compromise so infuriating. Yes, you can try all those. I've gone through a whole long process of trying to understand this dynamic because for me it's at the very center of the problem of human beings being able to really be comfortable with each other. It lies in compromise.

When I first began to look at compromise I tried to look at it in terms of how to resolve that. I had my “love it or leave it.” I had all of this kind of stuff that I worked my way through in trying to process it myself. In the end I realized that it is like the gods when they give you a gift, they don't give you everything. They give you something. And other things you can't have. If you try to get them, you lose everything. For me it's very clear that in certain relationships, for me compromise is a sign that says “don't ruin this.” That's all. It's so clear to me. That's my perspective. I see compromise and I say, “Don't ruin this. If you go there, it's not worth the trouble.” My hanging gate is there, this is not a relationship where this hanging gate is going to get its opportunities; period. And I leave it alone.

It doesn't mean that everything you are has to integrate in a relationship. Any triple-split will tell you that. You don't have to have it all integrated. I don't have to get stuck in the compromises. I can just see the relationship beyond that. Of course, that really is my point. I don't think the attempt to bargain, the attempt to make a statement from your hanging gate is going to bring anything other than continued whatever, frustration, bitterness, anger, depending on your Type, because the fact is the defined person is going to run that way and there's nothing one can do.”

Personality Sun Compromised

Written Question: (about a compromised Personality Sun)

Ra: Yes, when your Personality Sun is compromised it can be very, very difficult. But then again, because it is a matter of choicelessness, it seems to me that if one is correct in one's movement, if you're operating correctly, if your geometry is correct, then you're getting precisely what you need. This is the thing for me. I'm very good at simply just accepting that life is what it is. So, if somebody is going to compromise your Sun, then perhaps that relationship will give you the opportunity to find other aspects of yourself that operate within the relationship that can be so valuable.

A 7/31 Compromise

“Written Question: (about a 7/31 compromise)

Ra: In other words, you have the Pluto 7.3, 7.4 and somebody is compromising you. compromise is compromise. Again, my point is that when you see compromise in a relationship what you're looking at is, that is not something that is going to work for you. It's not going to work. And the only thing you can do is surrender to that. For me this is the most basic teaching, because the moment you try to go there, that's the moment you're going to run into dilemmas that you can never resolve; you can never get out of them. They are very, very difficult. This is brick wall.

So, you can try, you can hope they understand that you want to be able to participate, too, and this and that; it doesn't work that way. For me, surrender is when you meet that place in a partner. The not-self tendency, the lack of awareness tendency is to say, “I don't need this in my life.” When I look back at my failed relationships in this life, they were all rooted in places of compromise where suddenly enough was enough and that was it and it was over.

The reality is that what I have learned in all of these years with this knowledge is that compromises in relationships don't bother me anymore. Because I see very clearly that how you connect to somebody else is a limitation. And sometimes there is this aspect of you that really connects with the other; sometimes it's that aspect of them that really connects to you. But the fact that there are areas that do not work simply means that's not an ingredient for the success of that relationship. Stay away from it. You can see how difficult it is for the not-self because for the not-self it seems like that is a torment. It's like “why do I always have to have this, and why does it always have to be this way” and it goes on and on and on.

My point is all about what it is to live correctly because to live correctly, ultimately, can bring you to awareness and surrender. And in surrender, you do not have to identify with those forces, the forces of compromise. And through that, it has allowed me to have relationships with people that, in the past, I never, ever, ever would have had a relationship with. I always would have ended up in that compromise.

This is one of the deepest disadvantages as far as I'm concerned about what Human Design really brings. It brings us the recognition of our helplessness within the actual mechanics. This is just wiring. It's just the way it works. And either you surrender to that and you operate correctly as yourself or you're always going to be banging your head against the wall.”