A Projector & the Dance of Waiting

Since the moment I’ve known I was a projector, I had mixed feelings about our strategy. When I discovered that, in my life, to limit resistance, I was supposed to wait to be invited first made me so damn uncomfortable. 

Here I was, trying desperately to find ways to change my business in a big way, making things happen, ‘‘letting myself shine’’… and it was hard and scary enough as it is. 

I instantly hated the bitter taste the lack of freedom that concept was leaving in my mouth. The decolonizing feminist in me, who had fought so hard for her right NOT to need to be invited in order to simply be and do things her way, really, really didn’t like that idea. It felt (still does sometimes) oppressive, restrictive… So definitive.

But damn… It also had to admit that the whole being projector thing was chillingly accurate. And when I asked myself ‘How is it true that I found success by waiting for invitations to come to me? And lots of resistance when I didn’t?’, well… 

Suddenly, a ton of things made so much sense. 

The most socially mortifying and wounding moments in my life came after I didn’t wait to share my thoughts and guidance. I kinda hate that... I wish I’d known. It would have spared me so many wounds…

The most beautiful opportunities and encounters I’ve ever had came from invitations from people who truly recognized me. Boy did it felt like gliding on little clouds with my heart overflowing with joy and love! (yeah, that cheesy)

I asked myself to visualize what a life where I would get so much more moments of such bliss, and where I didn’t have to always be prepared to provoke strong hurtful reactions would feel and look like, and felt a rush of relief down my spine. My whole body felt tingly with light. 

Yes, I wanted that, so badly it almost felt like it should be illegal to have such a life. It was just too tempting… That’s how I decided to try to follow my S&A and see where that would take me almost three years ago.

The love/hate is still here. But I am generally not feeling limited by it anymore, at least not for long and not in such a daunting way. 

It can be deeply challenging for me in so many ways to have to rely on others like this though. Following it means facing traumatic wounds about trust sometimes. Other times, overfrustrated impatience will be a fierce horse to tame. I believe there will always be moments where I would like it to be different, that it’s part of being human.

The hardest times often invite a lot of helplessness and painful loneliness. Waves of fear of never being seen. Mortification at the idea of how it can sound like we’re so full of ourselves, entitled and lazy. This makes me deeply uneasy. I chuckle realizing I don’t even like writing about it.

But then I looked around me and see all those sacral beings running everywhere, in the now, in desperate unknown need for some waiting of their own, to be guided towards their own strategy of waiting to respond when they have been conditioned to initiate their whole life... And I start to see the beauty of that dance. 

Projectors are designed to guide others. We don’t guide well when it’s not asked. Actually, in my world, it’s called indirect narcissism. Sometimes not intentionally harmful, but still not honouring the other and their agency. Waiting for an invitation to dispense guidance would be a valuable recommendation for any guide.

But can you see how having to wait for invitations for everything else is like a lifelong boot camp on reaaaaally embodying that respect and understanding of the other, on our way of becoming the best guide we can be? 

I keep thinking about that lately…

The more I follow my S&A, the easier it is to catch myself almost sharing my opinions and guidance without being invited to, and instead observe what happens when I do wait.

Well, magic apparently. 

I’m in awe by how warmly protective it feels now so much of the time. I don’t have to waste my time and energy on being heard and feeling rejected, those who ask are eager to hear me!

I don’t have to deal with nearly as much projection, awkwardness and hurt because those I am speaking to really want to hear me. The trust feels more solid and interactions more fluid. It’s easier to spot who’s incorrect for me, so I spend less time and energy with them. Which leaves more place for cherished time, both alone and with others who are correct.

The same thing happens with my life in general. Having to wait to be called out (I am a 2nd line being, we need to be called out from our cave) and invited makes big things way less stressful. I don’t have to wonder anymore if I’m too lazy, not quick enough, not doing enough. As long as I keep following my S&A, invitations are coming at some point. 

And oh dear the wait is worth it. I had never before stopped myself so much from doing, I let the experiment take me to truly scary places for me. But the invitations that followed so far? Oh so delicious. 

So I’ll keep ‘‘waiting’’, which for a projector is basically playing around with what I love the most. I feel so. Damn. Lucky. 

Special thanks : Thank you so, so much Ine for asking the question that ended up starting this adventure!