"There are days when it is, I am sad. And there are days when it is, I am happy. And torture comes when it is followed by...because. I am sad because of you. I am happy because of you. This is where the trouble begins. The happy sad is just an equation of the voice. This is the melancholic voice. And it has the power to put sadness into others and it has the power to put happiness into others. It can be a magical voice.

But unaware it seems like a very neurotic voice...And the reality is that despite my good fortune and my awareness and the beauty of what I get to do in this life, I am as happy as I am sad. I am an individual, what to do. And it doesn't matter how wonderful my life is or anything else. There is always going to be a moment in every day where I am sad and this has been part of me all of my life. I used to turn sadness into a reason.

I would say "I am sad because", because I was unaware and open emotionally that sadness would get hooked up in someone else's emotional system, simply became something impossible for me. Caused all kinds of chaos in my life. And of course I connected all that to people and ended up hurting them basically.

In these years now since my experience with the voice and really being able to understand the nature of myself, I've discovered how beautiful the sad is. I don't have any objection to it. Doesn't distort my life. Doesn't get in the way about how I feel about the people in my life.

For me, it's like a drug experience. I equate it with an altered perception. You know it's a chemistry that comes into my life and as long as that chemistry is there that is what's there. This is when I'm at my creative best and I like to be alone. And I've learned to see that the moment that this is not something that is unhealthy or wrong. That that's the moment it becomes what it is.

It becomes a mechanism for the fulfillment of myself. I cannot be anything other than that which is there. So this voice. I have the 12th gate. There's always this voice. This voice that can communicate its happiness or its sadness in a very selfish way after all. It's individual. It's saying "I am happy, I am sad". It's always stuck in it's personal perspective."

| Ra Uru Hu